kiki rants: volume one

I’m a ranter. Not a whinger, but a ranter. My mother says I began this as soon as I could talk. She says “you were born with a healthy sense of outrage”. I started talking at 9 months but didn’t crawl till I was like 18 months. I preferred to sit on my ass and demand people bring me things. Nothing much has changed.

I objected to many things as a kid, mainly the idiocy of other children. My main outrage was the fact that in pre-school we were forced to share a bathroom with the boys AND it was built in the middle of the playroom with glass walls so everyone could see you do your kid wee wees. Even as a three year old I knew this was a violation of human rights and apparently ranted constantly to Mum about it.

On my second birthday an awful ranga named Kathryn ate all the Smarties off my birthday cake before I even got to blow the candles out. And I was LIVID.  I wasn’t angry that the Smarties were gone (they’re just lollies), but outraged that she had the hide to violate my cake with her grubby ginger fingers ON MY BIRTHDAY. Here we are 18 months before The Cake Incident.

Okay I don’t know why I look Asian there…and still do. I’m a genetic mystery. But please check out a) my sweet bonnet and b)the epic filthy I’m giving her. Even as an infant I could sense she was trouble. Bloody rangas.

Mum also tells me I lost my shit when it rained on a pre-school excursion day and we weren’t allowed to go. I believe my exact words were “how DARE God make it rain on MY EXCURSION DAY. Why would he do this to me?”.

Now I’m venturing into the world of health and fitness, I naturally have some rants about it. Let’s do the gym first.

1) Men who go to my gym

I go to fancypants gym in Bondi. I chose it because as soon as I walked in I felt At Home. Mainly because it’s decorated like a ritzy dayspa, complete with Buddha statues and soft lighting. I also chose it because it’s got pilates, yoga and kickboxing plus all the usual gym stuff.

I cannot stress to you enough how much this is a gym for ladies. The name is girlie, the surrounds are v glamorous and the owner is a fierce gay Asian who writes about his shopping trips in the monthly newsletter. It’s so womanly it may as well be Curves.

SO WHY ARE DUDES INVADING OUR LADY SPACE? Go to a man gym you dickheads!

A proportion of them are timid seeming gays who probably get intimidated by the usual gay gyms so I am okay with that. But not the rest of you idiots.

I specifically chose this gym so I didn’t have to worry about dudes seeing me when I exercise. Because I look disgusting. Why do I care what strange dudes think of me when I work out? I don’t know, I am crazy insecure and intermittendly paranoid and I just don’t like it. Don’t question me!

So imagine my annoyance when this man proceeded to eye rape me in the weights room for a whole HOUR. I don’t know whether he’s into sweaty chubby chicks in leggings or what but FUCK OFF YOU CREEP.

2) Men who go to my gym and do pilates

The only thing worse than a man at my gym, is a man doing pilates at my gym. I reserve a special brand of hatred for these twats. I used to work in a pilates studio and the occasional oldish man or athlete recovering from injury would pop in and it made sense. What does NOT make sense is seemingly fit and healthy young men voluntarily doing pilates classes at a lady gym. I don’t care how flexible a man wants to be, pilates is for ladies and that’s that.

What’s that you say? I’m actively gender stereotyping? And I would crack the shits if a dude wrote a blog complaining about women in his manly exercise class? Well spotted. I am delightfully hypocritical.

It’s bad enough working out around straight dudes, but doing pilates around them is horrible. To put it mildly, pilates puts one in some rather compromising positions. I don’t know about you guys but I don’t particularly enjoy balancing on all fours with my ass in the air in front of a man. I feel like a presenting primate. It’s hard to concentrate on my core muscles when I’m worried about a dude mounting me from behind like a baboon trying to propagate his species.

Kiki feels the burn

And they almost always carry on like complete tools. For example : the instructor tells us all to put on 2 springs then do calf raises. We do so. The toolish dudes loudly announce OH THIS IS TOO LIGHT FOR ME, I THINK I NEED IT STRONGER then pointedly look around to make sure everyone heard them and is suitably impressed at the big strong man in our midst.

YES. OF COURSE U NEED IT STRONGER. BECAUSE YOU ARE A GODAMN MAN.

It takes every vestige of willpower for me not to storm over and choke the life out of them, using one of the pilates rope handlebar thingies as a garrotte. One day I’ll do it and the other ladies will applaud me, because I know they’re thinking the same thing. Trust this.

I have more gym based rants but I’m going to spread them out so you guys can enjoy my rage over a longer period of time. I’m considerate like that.

Now kids, please leave me a comment and tell me what shits you at the gym so we can share the hate.

NB : Please note I’m not a crazy man hater. I love the fellas! I work in rugby league so liking men is kind of necessary. I just don’t want them in my gym pls k thanks.