kiki rants: volume one

I’m a ranter. Not a whinger, but a ranter. My mother says I began this as soon as I could talk. She says “you were born with a healthy sense of outrage”. I started talking at 9 months but didn’t crawl till I was like 18 months. I preferred to sit on my ass and demand people bring me things. Nothing much has changed.

I objected to many things as a kid, mainly the idiocy of other children. My main outrage was the fact that in pre-school we were forced to share a bathroom with the boys AND it was built in the middle of the playroom with glass walls so everyone could see you do your kid wee wees. Even as a three year old I knew this was a violation of human rights and apparently ranted constantly to Mum about it.

On my second birthday an awful ranga named Kathryn ate all the Smarties off my birthday cake before I even got to blow the candles out. And I was LIVID.  I wasn’t angry that the Smarties were gone (they’re just lollies), but outraged that she had the hide to violate my cake with her grubby ginger fingers ON MY BIRTHDAY. Here we are 18 months before The Cake Incident.

Okay I don’t know why I look Asian there…and still do. I’m a genetic mystery. But please check out a) my sweet bonnet and b)the epic filthy I’m giving her. Even as an infant I could sense she was trouble. Bloody rangas.

Mum also tells me I lost my shit when it rained on a pre-school excursion day and we weren’t allowed to go. I believe my exact words were “how DARE God make it rain on MY EXCURSION DAY. Why would he do this to me?”.

Now I’m venturing into the world of health and fitness, I naturally have some rants about it. Let’s do the gym first.

1) Men who go to my gym

I go to fancypants gym in Bondi. I chose it because as soon as I walked in I felt At Home. Mainly because it’s decorated like a ritzy dayspa, complete with Buddha statues and soft lighting. I also chose it because it’s got pilates, yoga and kickboxing plus all the usual gym stuff.

I cannot stress to you enough how much this is a gym for ladies. The name is girlie, the surrounds are v glamorous and the owner is a fierce gay Asian who writes about his shopping trips in the monthly newsletter. It’s so womanly it may as well be Curves.

SO WHY ARE DUDES INVADING OUR LADY SPACE? Go to a man gym you dickheads!

A proportion of them are timid seeming gays who probably get intimidated by the usual gay gyms so I am okay with that. But not the rest of you idiots.

I specifically chose this gym so I didn’t have to worry about dudes seeing me when I exercise. Because I look disgusting. Why do I care what strange dudes think of me when I work out? I don’t know, I am crazy insecure and intermittendly paranoid and I just don’t like it. Don’t question me!

So imagine my annoyance when this man proceeded to eye rape me in the weights room for a whole HOUR. I don’t know whether he’s into sweaty chubby chicks in leggings or what but FUCK OFF YOU CREEP.

2) Men who go to my gym and do pilates

The only thing worse than a man at my gym, is a man doing pilates at my gym. I reserve a special brand of hatred for these twats. I used to work in a pilates studio and the occasional oldish man or athlete recovering from injury would pop in and it made sense. What does NOT make sense is seemingly fit and healthy young men voluntarily doing pilates classes at a lady gym. I don’t care how flexible a man wants to be, pilates is for ladies and that’s that.

What’s that you say? I’m actively gender stereotyping? And I would crack the shits if a dude wrote a blog complaining about women in his manly exercise class? Well spotted. I am delightfully hypocritical.

It’s bad enough working out around straight dudes, but doing pilates around them is horrible. To put it mildly, pilates puts one in some rather compromising positions. I don’t know about you guys but I don’t particularly enjoy balancing on all fours with my ass in the air in front of a man. I feel like a presenting primate. It’s hard to concentrate on my core muscles when I’m worried about a dude mounting me from behind like a baboon trying to propagate his species.

Kiki feels the burn

And they almost always carry on like complete tools. For example : the instructor tells us all to put on 2 springs then do calf raises. We do so. The toolish dudes loudly announce OH THIS IS TOO LIGHT FOR ME, I THINK I NEED IT STRONGER then pointedly look around to make sure everyone heard them and is suitably impressed at the big strong man in our midst.

YES. OF COURSE U NEED IT STRONGER. BECAUSE YOU ARE A GODAMN MAN.

It takes every vestige of willpower for me not to storm over and choke the life out of them, using one of the pilates rope handlebar thingies as a garrotte. One day I’ll do it and the other ladies will applaud me, because I know they’re thinking the same thing. Trust this.

I have more gym based rants but I’m going to spread them out so you guys can enjoy my rage over a longer period of time. I’m considerate like that.

Now kids, please leave me a comment and tell me what shits you at the gym so we can share the hate.

NB : Please note I’m not a crazy man hater. I love the fellas! I work in rugby league so liking men is kind of necessary. I just don’t want them in my gym pls k thanks.

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23 Comments

Filed under dudes, pilates, rants, the gym

23 responses to “kiki rants: volume one

  1. SD-T

    As a seedy man, I feel I should say that you should take leering as a compliment!
    Though as a regular guy with a sense of common decency I understand your displeasure.

    Dear Creeps, save the leering for the beach!

  2. Ash

    Hai Kiki, glad to see you’re back!

    The following are super FAILS when it comes to the gym…

    :: men doing spin
    :: men doing Zumba

    Zumba. I shit you not. And this guy was straight. He was with his wife. It’s like…how could you look at a man the same way after seeing him shake his booty like that? Any essence of manhood that guy had has just melted away.

    And spin, I mean…those bike seats HURT. How could a man handle them? And you have to bounce up and down sometimes! That shit is not for men. And when you bounce up and down, you think about sex, because you’re bouncing (or is that just me? No it’s not just me, because Romy and Michelle did it too), and then you see the sweaty hairy fat man bouncing and it’s like…I just threw up a bit in my mouth, and it’s not from the lactic acid.

    I used to love spin. I went all the time when I lived in Sydney, but only went to my first class here in Melbourne a couple of months ago. It was TERRIBLE. The instructor was an overly-perky-American-cheerleader type who kept turning the music up way too loud and yelling ‘UP! UP! UP!’ And – get this – her name was STACY. I die! I die! Needless to say, I haven’t been back.

    Anyway, your best bet is just to avoid spin all together.

    /rant.

  3. ZUMBA. OH SWEET JESUS NO

    he may as well left his testicles at the door. i would divorce any man that wanted to do Zumba. even as a joke. just….no.

    i’ve never done spin but from my vantage point on the cross trainer i’ve witnessed some shit that pisses me off already. case in point the people wearing full on bike jumpsuits. made for long distance road cycling. REALLY?? U NEED THOSE?

  4. oh and it drives me crazy that there’s dudes invading my lady gym but i’m too stubborn to change establishments

    i might have to conjure up a plan to get rid of the men.

  5. This is hilarious. I think the latest annoyance I’ve had was a guy coming over, correcting my tricep kick-backs. He told me to lean forward more, which is fine and I appreciate positive criticism. He then said, “I hate to see women working out incorrectly, but at least you’re here.” Rude and sexist.

    • NO WAY. HE DID NOT SAY THAT! that reminds of a time i was watching the football at a pub and i was calling out things like “oh god no Emmett, why did you do that? you shoulda passed it to Cooper!”

      and this guy leans over and says “it’s so cute that ur a girl and like the game, and how you know all their names!”

      i said “thanks, i get paid equal wage now too!”

  6. Haha! Love this.

    I hate the gym. I never go to the gym – I have trainer, go to group outdoor fitness classes and play sports just so I can avoid the place! Ew!

  7. Haha I love your rants & that you are now sharing then to the world so others get to experience the magic that is a Kiki rant like I do every time you come home from the gym.

  8. ange

    I’m also anti gym, I take long walks around my area, occasionally hopping on my sisters bike to change it up.

  9. Haha. I love this.
    At my old gym there was a main workout area which you had to walk past to get to the classes….and it was full of vein-poppy guys competing against each other to lift heavier weights and look more steroidy, who would stare at girls when they walked past. One day my best friend got so fed up she started yelling “stop looking at my ass, you perverts”, “yeah, i have boobs, what of it?” etc, to the entire room, as I collapsed in a heap of laughter next to her.
    That, like this post, is an awesome gym rant.

  10. Laurie

    Girls who wear make up to the gym – not in the ‘i just left work and am working out kind of way’ more in the ‘i want to look pretty when i work out’ kind of way then prance around and DONT ACTUALLY WORK OUT or do anything to break a sweat. WTF is the point of that.

    Oh and people who don’t wipe down the machines when they are done.

  11. Ann

    It is all true, Kiki has been ranting since birth and if she could have talked at birth I’m sure she would have had some choice comments about the delivery room.
    I work out in a group in a park also to avoid all of the above pitfalls and to enjoy the challenge of shooing flies while brandishing hand weights – it is quite a talent.
    BTW I am surprised that nobody commented on Kiki’s topless photo and the very hot woman whose arm you can see to the left! (Thanks for cutting me out daughter!)

  12. Eliescha

    thankyou kiki for giving me another excuse not to attend the gym..it makes me sicky in my tummy… the same tummy that really does need the gym..but i think kinect on the 360 with the one boy who i wouldnt mind watching me work out is enough for me..plus I get to bond with him at the same time… no guilt at leaving 8 year old son at home..instead we get to box each other till we “virtual knock each other out” and giggle all the way through it.

    PS The bonnet is bloody adorable! Yazzy u should do a kids range and sell them…

  13. I go to my gym at college, and I hateeeee when college guys who think they are ripped, but are basically just wannabe meat heads, wear tank tops that don’t cover their nipples. What is the point of wearing one at all then?

    Zumba in general. Men, women, animals..no one should be prancing around to “under the boardwalk” and pretending it’s fitness. Go run a mile.

  14. I’ve never had an issues (yet), with guys at the gym -or maybe i just have very low expectations when it comes to males. I have on the other hand been abuse by a “die hard” gym junky woman for apparently using “her bench” wtf? Apparently she liked to use it at a set time each day….

  15. GabrialJonCameron

    I shit you know I had the exact same hat growing up! That is creepy!
    And you wanna talk pre school nightmares – Because I was such a big baby (11.5pds) I had to wear my sisters hand me downs. You trying peeing in the boys toilets wearing nothing but a sarong or a “fizzy” uniform

  16. lozzy

    ahhahah i just realised i forgot to comment the first time about how much i loved the monkey caption. THAT IS A LOZZY JOKE ISN’T IT

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