Well this is embarrassing. My last post says I was about to start exercising. And that was in…..February. I don’t really know what to say except I’ve fallen back into almost all my bad habits. I have worked out on and off but nothing consistent. I’m not going to list all my health fails again, just scroll back to the first post and check em out.
So I find myself 6 months from turning 30 (HELP. HELLLPPPP) and weighing the heaviest I’ve ever been. And I’m miserable. In the last year I felt like I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my mojo, my pizazz, my juju, my zest and my spark. All of those…gone! I can’t say for sure if it’s related to my physical yuckness, but I’m gonna take a wild guess here and say it is.
I’ve always hated my body but recently I’ve realised I am actually pretty lucky when it comes to my weight. I eat SO MUCH FOOD. I can’t express to you how much I eat. I live with my brother and Yasmin of One Fine Star. No word of a lie, I eat double and sometimes triple to what they do. And I’m not talking an extra serving of lean chicken or something. It’s more like, a whole box of Easy Mac and then a block of chocolate. And apart from the odd pilates class or a once monthly coastal walk, I do zero exercise. I should look like this :
Yet somehow, I have stayed a size 12. In some brands a size 10 still. I think it’s a physical impossibility for me to be any bigger than that. I brought up my Oh God I’m The Fattest I’ve Ever Been dilemma to a work mate today and she looked my mini dress up and down and scoffed “Kiki if you were fat you couldn’t wear that dress, look at your legs!”
I got screwed over by genetics in many ways but thanks to Mum I’ve got freakishly small wrists and ankles, with skinny arms and legs to match. I believe the term Sassy uses is ‘Koori ankles’, and FYI, Jamal Idris firmly agrees with her assertion. Basically I have the limbs of a skinny person, but the rest of me doesn’t match. I am the physical incarnation of those drawings little kids do of people.
Hi Kiki! I like your sweet polka dot dress.
ANYWAY, I’m not happy and I want to change it. I live 5 minutes walk from Bondi Beach but I refuse to go there for a swim because I don’t want to be seen in a bikini in public. I’m sure no one would even look at me sideways, and I know there a zillion people there fatter than me, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. My friends come and park their cars outside my house, go to the beach soak up the sunny salty goodness and I stay at home. Really. That’s a big chunk of life awesomeness that I’m missing out on and I won’t stand for it any longer!
And I’m blogging about it because :
a) I want something to answer to. Accountability and all that.
b) Even though I don’t live healthily, I actually know A LOT about it. An armchair expert if you will.
c) I’m all kinds of amazing at making healthy ‘diet’ food that tastes like naughty food. And I want to share my discoveries, because people….sharing is caring.
d) I want to e-connect with other people going through the same thing.
I’ve been to the gym twice this week already and because I’m me, I’ve collated a list of things that piss me off about it. Literally, I was on the crosstrainer today and spent the whole time numbering my rants in my head. Who needs workout music when you have rage powering your air steps! I will be blogging about them on Friday.
Now I demand you leave me a comment so I can sleep knowing I’m not blogging to myself like a crazy person.
ps : My ass already hurts from this arvo’s weights session. This does not bode well.