kiki rants: volume one

I’m a ranter. Not a whinger, but a ranter. My mother says I began this as soon as I could talk. She says “you were born with a healthy sense of outrage”. I started talking at 9 months but didn’t crawl till I was like 18 months. I preferred to sit on my ass and demand people bring me things. Nothing much has changed.

I objected to many things as a kid, mainly the idiocy of other children. My main outrage was the fact that in pre-school we were forced to share a bathroom with the boys AND it was built in the middle of the playroom with glass walls so everyone could see you do your kid wee wees. Even as a three year old I knew this was a violation of human rights and apparently ranted constantly to Mum about it.

On my second birthday an awful ranga named Kathryn ate all the Smarties off my birthday cake before I even got to blow the candles out. And I was LIVID.  I wasn’t angry that the Smarties were gone (they’re just lollies), but outraged that she had the hide to violate my cake with her grubby ginger fingers ON MY BIRTHDAY. Here we are 18 months before The Cake Incident.

Okay I don’t know why I look Asian there…and still do. I’m a genetic mystery. But please check out a) my sweet bonnet and b)the epic filthy I’m giving her. Even as an infant I could sense she was trouble. Bloody rangas.

Mum also tells me I lost my shit when it rained on a pre-school excursion day and we weren’t allowed to go. I believe my exact words were “how DARE God make it rain on MY EXCURSION DAY. Why would he do this to me?”.

Now I’m venturing into the world of health and fitness, I naturally have some rants about it. Let’s do the gym first.

1) Men who go to my gym

I go to fancypants gym in Bondi. I chose it because as soon as I walked in I felt At Home. Mainly because it’s decorated like a ritzy dayspa, complete with Buddha statues and soft lighting. I also chose it because it’s got pilates, yoga and kickboxing plus all the usual gym stuff.

I cannot stress to you enough how much this is a gym for ladies. The name is girlie, the surrounds are v glamorous and the owner is a fierce gay Asian who writes about his shopping trips in the monthly newsletter. It’s so womanly it may as well be Curves.

SO WHY ARE DUDES INVADING OUR LADY SPACE? Go to a man gym you dickheads!

A proportion of them are timid seeming gays who probably get intimidated by the usual gay gyms so I am okay with that. But not the rest of you idiots.

I specifically chose this gym so I didn’t have to worry about dudes seeing me when I exercise. Because I look disgusting. Why do I care what strange dudes think of me when I work out? I don’t know, I am crazy insecure and intermittendly paranoid and I just don’t like it. Don’t question me!

So imagine my annoyance when this man proceeded to eye rape me in the weights room for a whole HOUR. I don’t know whether he’s into sweaty chubby chicks in leggings or what but FUCK OFF YOU CREEP.

2) Men who go to my gym and do pilates

The only thing worse than a man at my gym, is a man doing pilates at my gym. I reserve a special brand of hatred for these twats. I used to work in a pilates studio and the occasional oldish man or athlete recovering from injury would pop in and it made sense. What does NOT make sense is seemingly fit and healthy young men voluntarily doing pilates classes at a lady gym. I don’t care how flexible a man wants to be, pilates is for ladies and that’s that.

What’s that you say? I’m actively gender stereotyping? And I would crack the shits if a dude wrote a blog complaining about women in his manly exercise class? Well spotted. I am delightfully hypocritical.

It’s bad enough working out around straight dudes, but doing pilates around them is horrible. To put it mildly, pilates puts one in some rather compromising positions. I don’t know about you guys but I don’t particularly enjoy balancing on all fours with my ass in the air in front of a man. I feel like a presenting primate. It’s hard to concentrate on my core muscles when I’m worried about a dude mounting me from behind like a baboon trying to propagate his species.

Kiki feels the burn

And they almost always carry on like complete tools. For example : the instructor tells us all to put on 2 springs then do calf raises. We do so. The toolish dudes loudly announce OH THIS IS TOO LIGHT FOR ME, I THINK I NEED IT STRONGER then pointedly look around to make sure everyone heard them and is suitably impressed at the big strong man in our midst.

YES. OF COURSE U NEED IT STRONGER. BECAUSE YOU ARE A GODAMN MAN.

It takes every vestige of willpower for me not to storm over and choke the life out of them, using one of the pilates rope handlebar thingies as a garrotte. One day I’ll do it and the other ladies will applaud me, because I know they’re thinking the same thing. Trust this.

I have more gym based rants but I’m going to spread them out so you guys can enjoy my rage over a longer period of time. I’m considerate like that.

Now kids, please leave me a comment and tell me what shits you at the gym so we can share the hate.

NB : Please note I’m not a crazy man hater. I love the fellas! I work in rugby league so liking men is kind of necessary. I just don’t want them in my gym pls k thanks.

Advertisements

23 Comments

Filed under dudes, pilates, rants, the gym

yes i’m back. back again.

Well this is embarrassing. My last post says I was about to start exercising. And that was in…..February. I don’t really know what to say except I’ve fallen back into almost all my bad habits. I have worked out on and off but nothing consistent. I’m not going to list all my health fails again, just scroll back to the first post and check em out.

So I find myself 6 months from turning 30 (HELP. HELLLPPPP) and weighing the heaviest I’ve ever been. And I’m miserable. In the last year I felt like I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my mojo, my pizazz, my juju, my zest and my spark. All of those…gone! I can’t say for sure if it’s related to my physical yuckness, but I’m gonna take a wild guess here and say it is.

I’ve always hated my body but recently I’ve realised I am actually pretty lucky when it comes to my weight. I eat SO MUCH FOOD. I can’t express to you how much I eat. I live with my brother and Yasmin of One Fine Star. No word of a lie, I eat double and sometimes triple to what they do. And I’m not talking an extra serving of lean chicken or something. It’s more like, a whole box of Easy Mac and then a block of chocolate. And apart from the odd pilates class or a once monthly coastal walk, I do zero exercise. I should look like this :

Yet somehow, I have stayed a size 12. In some brands a size 10 still. I think it’s a physical impossibility for me to be any bigger than that. I brought up my Oh God I’m The Fattest I’ve Ever Been dilemma to a work mate today and she looked my mini dress up and down and scoffed “Kiki if you were fat you couldn’t wear that dress, look at your legs!”

I got screwed over by genetics in many ways but thanks to Mum I’ve got freakishly small wrists and ankles, with skinny arms and legs to match. I believe the term Sassy uses is ‘Koori ankles’, and FYI, Jamal Idris firmly agrees with her assertion. Basically I have the limbs of a skinny person, but the rest of me doesn’t match. I am the physical incarnation of those drawings little kids do of people.

Hi Kiki! I like your sweet polka dot dress.

ANYWAY, I’m not happy and I want to change it. I live 5 minutes walk from Bondi Beach but I refuse to go there for a swim because I don’t want to be seen in a bikini in public. I’m sure no one would even look at me sideways, and I know there a zillion people there fatter than me, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. My friends come and park their cars outside my house, go to the beach soak up the sunny salty goodness and I stay at home. Really.  That’s a big chunk of life awesomeness that I’m missing out on and I won’t stand for it any longer!

And I’m blogging about it because :

a) I want something to answer to. Accountability and all that.

b) Even though I don’t live healthily, I actually know A LOT about it. An armchair expert if you will.

c) I’m all kinds of amazing at making healthy ‘diet’ food that tastes like naughty food. And I want to share my discoveries, because people….sharing is caring.

d) I want to e-connect with other people going through the same thing.

I’ve been to the gym twice this week already and because I’m me, I’ve collated a list of things that piss me off about it. Literally, I was on the crosstrainer today and spent the whole time numbering my rants in my head. Who needs workout music when you have rage powering your air steps! I will be blogging about them on Friday.

Now I demand you leave me a comment so I can sleep knowing I’m not blogging to myself like a crazy person.

ps : My ass already hurts from this arvo’s weights session. This does not bode well.

9 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

the last days : praise jesus, it’s over!

I MADE IT I MADE IT I MAAAADE ITTTTT.

Well, kinda. In the interests of transparency, I will grudgingly admit that I cheated last night. I hate myself for it and I certainly paid for it. I’m back at my parents house and was watching Entourage (Llooooyddd!!) in our home cinema. It killed me because a) usually whenever I’m in there I snack on junk  and b) god damn those bastards on that show for ALWAYS BLOODY EATING. Seriously, that show is like food porn. Especially when you’ve subsisted on juice and bland tasteless health food all week.

So I snapped. I made mini muffin pizzas. 2 white muffins, tomato paste and cheese = one sick Kiki. Seriously guys, I know that stuff doesn’t always agree with me but holy shit, I’ve never seen my tummy bloat up so fast. It was so gross and it felt like someone was punching inside my stomach, trying to get out. Deadset I looked like I was about to give birth.

Consequently I did not wake up with a clear head today. Rather, I reverted back to sleeping for a ridiculously long time because I just couldn’t wake up. And when I finally did I felt like my head was surrounded by a thick fog. And my tummy is still bloated.

I hate myself so much for this but at least I proved just how bad that stuff can be for me when my system is already cleaned out. I can proudly say I didn’t crack and have any alcohol, Coke, codeine, pasta, sugar, chocolate, artificial colours, flavours and sweeteners ALL WEEK! Also I even drank all the lemon and cayenne pepper juices on the detox. They are pretty damn brutal my friends.

Apart from the muffin pizza incident, I have definitely noticed some benefits of having a clean system. For some reason my under eye circles are darker (must be the toxins coming out..bugger), but my Mum commented on how bright my skin looked and how flat my tummy was. I feel lighter and more toned even though I haven’t exercised. All my allergies have calmed down, my nails aren’t splitting like usual (they look so strong and healthy now) and I don’t feel constantly exhausted. The muscles in my back and neck that usually cramp up constantly, causing huge amounts of pain, have seemed to relax a bit. I just feel BETTER.

Considering I was detoxing from so much, I am pretty damn happy with my week. I kinda knew I wasn’t gonna be perfect, because well, I’m me…..but I think I’ve learnt alot and it was necessary to go through it. That mind and body fog I suffered from before? It’s pretty much gone. This is amazing to me. Deep down I knew it was due to my food intolerances, but I think I had to go through this detox to REALLY know it.

From now on I am going to keep Coke and pasta as special treats, only use codeine when I absolutely need it, only eat gluten free bread, keep cheese to a minimum and not a staple food and in general try and make sure everything I put into my body is as close to it’s natural form as possible.

Is this blog over? NOPE! I still have a long way to go. This is just the beginning. Next week I’m gonna start excercising. LORD HELP ME.

7 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

day three : I JUST WANT A CHEESEBURGER

AAAAAAAAAAH HELP. SOS. HEELLLLP.

Last night I came close to giving up. You know that episode of the Simpsons when Homer goes on a hunger strike?? That’s pretty much me right now. Yes, that is the sound of my stomach eating itself. Lyiing in bed last night I was doubled over trying to quiet my growling tummy, fighting the urge to go to the 24 hours Maccas and buy 5 cheeseburgers and eat them in the parking lot.

Usually when I diet and I get hungry at night I can look forward to a good breakfast in the morning, but last night all I could think was ‘oh jesus, more juice….NOOOOOO!’. Then I thought of the beetroot juice I had to drink the next day and actually dry heaved. I had to hang my head off the side of the bed coz I literally thought I was about to vom. When the delivery dude knocked on my door and handed me two more days worth of juice I almost cried. Shit is bleak people.

I am proud to report though, I didn’t go to Maccas. I didn’t even go to the kitchen and get a snack. Consequently I woke up today with a clearer head than usual. The norm for me is to stumble bleary eyed through the house and shove caffeine into my system until I feel vaguely human, so to be able to wake up and not feel as corpse like is pretty awesome.

I went to the hairdresser today and usually I would sip on endless cans of Coke Zero, and I got the WORST craving for it as soon as I sat down in the chair. But I held strong and drank water instead.

To be perfectly honest, I am yet to experience the euphoria and GOD I FEEL SO AMAZING. Hopefully that will come. The best thing is, however, is the fact my tummy is the flattest it’s been in months. I thought that was all fat! Apparently it’s just bloating from all the crap I was putting into my body. Good to know.

I still want a cheeseburger.

7 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

day two : what’s that pain in my back?

HI EVERYONE!

First of all I just want to say thankyou thankyou thankyou for all the love you’ve already thrown my way. I really need the support, believe me. So keep it up help me stay the course!

So it’s Day Two and I am feeling……okay. Just so you guys get an idea of what I’m detoxing from, I’ve gone from a diet of eating whatever I want to one that eliminates the following (at least during the detox) –

* codeine – AAAAAAAAAAH HELP. As I said before, I live on painkillers and I know they are terrible for me but I guess I became somewhat addicted to them? Anyway I’m not taking them any more. This is the hardest one to give up.

* Coke Zero/Diet Coke – this one is the HARDEST. I would drink about a litre a day, sometimes more. Whenever I felt sick, tired or just bored I would reach for it. Now crutch is gone and I am struggling.

* chocolate – I’m not a massive choccie eater but I do like it, but that’s a goner.

* cheese/milk/most dairy  – Cheese is literally my favourite food so this is also killing me.

* wheat, bread, pasta – I have a wheat intolerance and anything containing wheat makes my tummy blow up so I look preggers. But pasta is the love of my life so living without it is damn rough.

* sugar, artificial sweeteners – so not only can I not have Diet Coke, I can’t have any other soft drinks either..waaaaah

* artificial flavours, thickeners, additives – you guys have no idea just how much food has this stuff in! Trying to find something to have for dinner was a nightmare. I have become one of those people that reads the labels, kill me!

So yeh, it’s alot. No wonder I’m feeling pretty shit. As Urban Remedy warned, I would experience symptoms like headache, runny nose, dizziness and I’m getting all of them in spades. Not to mention the weird shooting pains that keep coarsing through my body, specifically the left side of my back which I described to the girls last night as ‘giving birth from my back’. FUN FUN.

Because of alllllll the stuff I’m detoxing from, I’ve added in some more food. For my own sanity. For dinner tonight I had one raw red capsicum and some gluten free, wheat free wrap bread grilled under the oven to make chip like thingies plus some all natural hummous (really really natural, I read that label 8000 times). Also when I get hunger pangs at night I’m having a sprinkling of muesli with the best all natural yoghurt out there, Jalna (I have the low fat berry version).

Trying to get down six juices a day is proving kinda difficult. They taste pretty good for what they are, but they are no Coke Zero. Aaaaaah Coke, how I miss you. On the upside, they don’t burn my insides like soft drink does so YAY.

I also have the worst sleeping habits of anyone I know, and I hope to change this. Last night I went to bed at midnight, the earliest in MONTHS! Also, instead of nightmares which I usually have, I had pretty benign dreams.

Anyway, to sum up. I don’t feel great but I’m not giving up.

14 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

a whole new world

Yes that is an Aladdin reference, well spotted. My favourite Disney cartoon in fact. I did a dance in front of my whole school to one of the songs, dressed in full genie costume. I was awesome.

Anyway, welcome to my new little bloggie. I love it already. Never fear, I will still be hilarious on Oh Errol frequently, I just needed a space for my own stuff.

‘In fine feather’ is a retro expression for being in good health. An expression that, due to my own stupidity, does not apply to me. Basically, this blog is going to me documenting my journey (oh God, I just said journey with no irony…kill me) into good health. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I have the worst immune system in the world. I am constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) tired. I can easily sleep 14 hours straight and still struggle the next day. It’s more than tiredness, it’s straight up fatigue. Most days I feel like I’m dragging my corpse around, barely functioning.

I have a totally fucked up neck and back and even though I see a chiropractor regularly, I still live on huge amounts of codeine. Sometimes it’s so bad I need Panadeine Extra.

I don’t drink booze every day, it’s more of a weekend thing. But when I do have a drink, wellllll…..yeh. It’s always to excess and the older I get the worse the hangovers are. I eat way too much junk, drink literally litres of Diet Coke/Coke Zero a day and cannot function without my can of V in the morning.

All this is bad enough for the average person, but I suffer from a myriad of food allergies and intolerances that I am fully aware of, but have spent the last 10 years or so trying to ignore. The things I love the most, Coke, cheese, pasta, chips, tomatoes and anything highly coloured or flavoured….all of it, I am super intolerant to.

I crave what makes me sick, I eat it and unsuprisingly….it makes me sick.

I’ve pushed the knowledge that my lifestyle is making me sick so far down that I am constantly at the doctor getting a battery of tests to diagnose what’s wrong with me. All the time really knowing it’s all due to my bad choices. I’m lucky that even though I eat whatever I want and do literally no exercise (seriously, I get puffed walking up stairs) I’ve never been bigger than a size 12. And thanks to copious amounts of fake tan, concealer and blush, I manage to fake looking like a normal human being. But the reality is, I have dark circles under my eyes that extend to my cheeks and underneath the cute babydoll dresses, my body looks like a 45 yr old mother of 3. It ain’t pretty.

Essentially, I have had enough. I’m turning 29 in a few months and the thought of hitting 30 feeling like this scares the shit out of me. So I’ve decided enough is enough, I am making Big Scary Changes.

After many failed diets and ‘healthy living’ attempts, I’ve realised I need to go all out and get rid of EVERYTHING that’s bad for me. I needed a huge boost to start me off so right now I am on Day One of a 5 day detox. After much research I chose Urban Remedy and so far, so good. I get 6 fruit and vegie juices a day, and they taste pretty damn awesome. You aren’t supposed to eat solid foods but considering I am detoxing from well, basically everything, I have changed it a little bit so I don’t go on a shooting rampage down Maroubra Road.

I’m allowing myself to have one bowl of wholegrain oatmeal and strawberries (sweetened with agave syrup) plus some raw vegies with a smidge of natural yoghurt. And that’s it.

So far I just feel reallllllly bloody tired and a bit dizzy. Hopefully the energy and I FEEL AMAZING AND LIKE SO HEALTHY AND STUFF will kick in soon. I’ll update every day because I need something to do that doesn’t involve stuffing my face with Easy Mac.

I feel positive and that this, finally, is my time. Let’s do this!

18 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized